Arthur's Passionate Night
by William H. Bonnie
Summary: Arthur is lonely and he is looking for a date for Valentine's Day. Will he get one in time, or will he have to settle for less? What hilarious hijinks (if any) will ensue?


Author's note: Decided to try my hand at a comedy story. Don't be too hard on me.

It is the day before Valentine's Day. Arthur Read is 18 years old and is looking for a date, or at least

someone that will put up with him. He is a senior who is still a virgin and has never even kissed, let

alone, had sexual relations with a woman. This left him feeling horny and frustrated.

He tried to ask his friend Francine out, but she decided to go out on a double date with Muffy Crosswire

and her boyfriend, who had a friend for Francine. Buster decided to spend time with his mother because

Buster is so freaking awesome. Binky actually found a girl who likes My Little Pony, like he is, same with

George, and Brain also found a special someone.

Arthur had the biggest crush (and boner) for the hottest girl in the school, Lindsey Yakety. She had moved

east from Ohio about six months ago, and all the guys were intimidated by her beauty. On a side note, they're

friends on Facebook (she probably did it out of pity because he was such a loser, which the author will go into

later), and every day, he looked at her pictures, and even complimented on them, hoping that Lindsey would

respond. But whenever Lindsey walked by, Arthur became too scared to talk to her for fear of his friends laughing

at him and her rejecting him. So he just admired her from afar.

Then, when he decided to face his fear in the eye and ask her out for Valentine's Day, another guy by the name

of Ronnie, also from Ohio, asked her out, and she said yes, crushing the hopes of Arthur, and all the other losers

at Elwood City High School.

The differences between Arthur and Ronnie were very apparent. Ronnie and Arthur were friends, but that's about it.

Ronnie played football, hockey, and baseball. Arthur sucked at sports so bad it wasn't even funny.

Ronnie was half black and half Italian with the Jersey hairdo, which is attractive to a lot of girls, and Arthur

was an awkward weakling with a high voice.

Nevertheless, Arthur tried to ask girls out. He didn't ask any freshmen or sophomores out because they were too young,

plus they would think he was a pedophile. He didn't bother asking any juniors out for whatever reason. He was adamant

in asking out the hottest girls he could, but he came off either awkward or he ran the other way.

Valentine's Day came. Arthur's parents asked him if he wanted to go with them and DW to dinner. He said no, that he

wanted to stay at home, so they let him stay at home.

Since the sun went down early, and all of Arthur's friends were out and about on Valentine's Day, and Arthur was a loser

who had no game whatsoever (like the Read men before him were, hell, Jane and David hadn't had sex in about five years).

he decided to try the next closest thing to making love to a woman. That's right, he went downstairs on the family

computer and was going to look up some hot porn. But here was the problem. Since Arthur was caught five years ago, Jane

hired a tech guy to install a porn blocker on the computer so strong that nobody could get around it.

He then tried to watch TV, but the channels he wanted to watch (on regular TV, no less) were blocked as well, due to the

V-Chip that prevented the family from watching "inappropriate content".

So then, Arthur did something he'd never done before. He took candles out of the linen closet and put them by his bed and

lit them. He then turned the lights off and closed the curtains all the way. He then closed the door all the way, laid

down on his bed, spread his legs open, pulled his pork popsicle out of his pants, closed his eyes, and started whacking off like

the loser that he is. He started to moan passionately, lost in his own delusional fantasy of ecstasy, imagining what it would be

like if he actually got a girlfriend. He then bit his lip and started polishing the sword even faster, then slowing down, awash

with the pleasure emanating from his groin area. He then imagined about being able to make love to one of the hottest girls

in Elwood City.

Meanwhile, as Arthur was, um, doing his five knuckle shuffle, his parents turned around because David forgot his wallet, so they

headed back to the house to retrieve it. As they arrived at the house, Arthur was about a handful of seconds away from climaxing,

until the family headed upstairs. David opened the door and to his (and to the rest of the Read women's) horror, he saw Arthur

pounding away.

Arthur then sat up, shocked, horrified, and red faced. David and Jane charged him and beat his ass while DW exclaimed "WorldStar!"

Jane and David took the candles out of their room and grounded Arthur for three months. On Monday, while everyone was talking about

who did what, who got laid, etc, when Arthur got to the school, people laughed at, and teased him mercilessly, even his own friends.

This was because DW uploaded the video of Arthur getting his ass beaten to WorldStar, and it got almost a million views. Even Lindsay

and Ronnie laughed at him calling him "Boner Boy" and "forever alone" and stuff like that.

Arthur was so embarrased, he wore a paper bag over his head for the rest of the school year.

Epilogue

Arthur then went to college, graduated, and eventually became a successful doctor in private practice. He now has a lovely wife and two kids and lives in a nice house in the suburbs of Philadelphia.

The End


End file.
